If there's one thing we've learned during our travels through this crazy world of mixed martial arts, it's that you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. There are only a few different types of MMA fans, and they tend to gravitate towards certain fighters. For example, let's say your favorite fighter is...
ANDERSON SILVA
(That's you on the left.)
You are without a doubt the hippest dude you know. You were the first to start wearing skinny jeans and also the first to stop, proving your bona fides as a trendsetter. You like to think that you appreciate the finer elements of striking technique more than most MMA fans, but really you just parrot things Joe Rogan has said (“ballet of violence”) while listing off all the ways that Silva is like a modern-day Bruce Lee. You sometimes wear glasses you don’t really need and you pretend to like jazz. You think of yourself as a good dancer.
Your favorite fight: Silva vs. Rich Franklin I
FEDOR EMELIANENKO
You’ve been watching MMA for years, and it’s important to you that people know that. You have an extensive collection of ironic t-shirts and Pride DVD’s. You work in the IT department of a moderately-sized company, where you used to feel bad for the people who pester you for help all day because, honestly, how did anyone even get that clueless? Now you despise them and don’t go to very much trouble to hide it. You are probably overweight, but you’re quick to tell people that it doesn’t necessarily mean you are out of shape or aren’t a good athlete. You don’t date much but there’s this girl in Illinois who you have a thing with over the internet, which you refer to as ‘the web.’ Someone in a bar once asked you if you thought Fedor would stand a chance against Brock Lesnar. You laughed out loud. Okay, so they were talking to someone else and you overheard them, and when they noticed you laughing you pretended to be coughing, but still. The ignorance of some people.
Your favorite fight: Fedor vs. Mirko Filipovic
GEORGES ST. PIERRE
You’re either Canadian or a woman. Either way, rooting for GSP isn’t really a choice — the fire in your blood compels it. Every time you see the fleur de lis tattoo on his calf, or the way his tight spandex shorts hug the curves of his ass and protective cup, a tear comes to your eye, and your clenched fist pumps the air. (Now that we think about it, you might also be a gay man, and that’s totally cool, no judgments, some of our best friends are gay.) Nationality, gender, and sexuality aside, you’re a polite and good-natured person, and you have a general distaste for the stereotypical meathead fight fan. You often order red wine at bars. You fully endorse Vaseline use, both in athletic competition and your own personal life.
Your favorite fight: GSP vs. BJ Penn II
BROCK LESNAR
At some point in your life, you were a pretty big fan of pro wrestling. These days, you’re a pretty big asshole. You never miss an opportunity to remind people that you don’t care what they think, and that you don’t care about being liked. As a result, you are liked by very few people. Your hobbies include playing video games, riding your ATV, trolling MMA message boards, and torturing small animals. You are almost certainly Caucasian. You would vote Republican if you voted, but you don’t vote because fuck voting, right? The number of guns you own is greater than the number of girlfriends you’ve had in your life. You have a crippling Internet porn addiction. You like heavy metal, and you like to play it loud enough so that your parents can’t hear you crying yourself to sleep.
Your favorite fight: Lesnar vs. Randy Couture
LYOTO MACHIDA
When you were a kid, you took some form of traditional martial art to protect yourself from the bullies that would constantly harass you at school for being small and girlish. Even though you achieved a high belt rank, you were still bullied at school, but you’ve kept your respect for dojos and senseis and gis and shit like that. These days you’re either a college student or a white-collar worker of some sort, and you would describe your life as generally happy. Your parents are still married. You read a lot. You own at least one sword. You think Tito Ortiz is the biggest douchebag on Earth. Your friends think you’re kind of boring, especially when you start talking about how exciting Lyoto Machida is. One time, at summer camp, you took a sip of your own pee on a dare. You spat it out and started screaming about how gross it was. Secretly, you didn’t think it was that bad. You tell people that your favorite fight is Machida vs. Dimitri Wanderley.
Your actual favorite fight: Machida vs. Rashad Evans
FORREST GRIFFIN
You don’t consider yourself a “TUF noob,” even though the first MMA match you ever saw was Griffin vs. Bonnar at the TUF 1 finale. You’re easily the smartest and funniest person among your group of friends, none of whom are especially smart or funny. Despite your lack of formal martial arts training, you’ve never backed down from a fight, particularly ones you’ve started with strangers in bars. You prefer tough, hard-working fighters to naturally athletic and explosive ones. You are almost certainly Caucasian. You listen to Andrew W.K. when you work out, and you consider Road House to be one of the greatest movies of all time. The phrase “Pain Don’t Hurt” may or may not be tattooed on your right arm.
Your favorite fight: Griffin vs. Mauricio Rua
If you aren’t Hawaiian – and chances are very, very good that you are – then at the very least you like to think that you live your life according to some vague island-like principles. Basically that means you wear a puka shell necklace and call people ‘brah’ a lot. Aside from your driver’s license and school pictures, someone would be hard-pressed to find a photograph of you where you aren’t doing the shaka. You’ve never watched an entire MMA event without pointing out possible situations where the rubber guard might be a good idea. You believe the moon landing was fake, 9/11 was a government conspiracy, and Georges St. Pierre could never have beaten B.J. if he hadn’t been covered from head to toe in Crisco and pumped full of steroids and some weird stuff the aliens left behind when they landed in Roswell. It’s very likely that you are stoned right now.
Your favorite fight: Penn vs. Matt Hughes I
GINA CARANO
First of all, Gina’s looks are totally not why you like her. You just love her attitude and think she’s very “down to earth,” which is how you describe all celebrities that you like and secretly think would want to be friends with you. You love stories about people who triumph over moderately difficult odds, particularly when that triumph involves significant weight loss. You always get emotionally swept up by stories of missing white children and lost pets that find their own way back home. Sometimes it seems as if Pink is singing those songs about you. For a little while you did muay thai and you were easily the best in the class until shin splints sidelined you. You often begin jokes and then forget the ending or realize that you’ve left out something important, so you just start laughing anyway in the hopes that other people will join you. They rarely do. You are either a teenage girl or a single adult male. You’re convinced that your father doesn’t get it and never will.
Your favorite fight: Gina vs. that redheaded chick
CHUCK LIDDELL
If you aren’t currently in your sixth year of college, then you have a job with “technician” somewhere in the title. You are white. You may or may not have a weekend cocaine problem. When someone asks you what your hobbies and interests are, you are likely to respond with, “Partyin’.” Even though Liddell (who you exclusively refer to as “The Iceman,”) is old and headed downhill, you still don’t believe he’s done. If he does retire, you may give up on watching MMA altogether and go back to being a Motocross fan. There’s an 80% that you’ve had some form of Chuck-hawk in the last four years. You’ve never been convicted of a felony, and this is a source of pride for you, though secretly you wonder how long you’ll be able to say that. You drive an old car that isn’t technically a classic, but it’s loud and you call it your “baby.” There’s hardly a bouncer in this whole shitty town who hasn’t had to tussle with you at least once.
Your favorite fight: The Iceman vs. Randy Couture III
JASON MILLER
You’re somewhere between the ages of 13 and 21. You’ve been watching MMA for a long time — ever since the first episode of The Iron Ring. You’ve never actually seen Jason Miller fight, but you think he’s funny on Bully Beatdown, and you like his hair. You’ve heard good things about this “Fedro” guy. You have an extensive sneaker collection, but don’t own any shirts with collars. You want to start taking lessons at the BJJ school that just opened up in the strip-mall across town, but mom’s being a bitch about it, what else is new. You have HPV.
Your favorite fight: (tie) Jake Shields vs. Jonathan, Jake Tyler vs. Ryan McCarthy
You grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. The town that side of the tracks was located in was really not that bad, but still, you’re from the worst part of it and people need to recognize that. You most likely finished high school or at least eventually got around to getting your GED, or maybe you got confused and did both. One thing you are not confused about, however, is your personal policy of taking no shit off nobody. This has led to numerous unnecessary fistfights, loud arguments with family members on various front lawns, and a lifetime ban from at least one bowling alley. You don’t have a girlfriend, because bitches are always expecting you to go and do stuff with them, so forget that noise. You probably work in a service industry establishment, but the goal of both you and your manager is to keep you from interacting with the customers at all costs, which is why you now work “in the back.” You smoke a lot of weed, even though you have to take a drug test every six months. You just get some pee from your ten-year-old cousin and outsmart those fuckers. You absolutely love jam bands.
Your favorite fight: Diaz vs. Takanori Gomi
Let's get one thing straight — you don't think the government has any right to blow our hard-earned tax dollars giving health coverage to illegal immigrants and the children of deadbeats, and even if the American health-care system needed to be reformed — and it doesn't, but if it did, hypothetically speaking — Barack Hussein Fidel Obama is definitely not the man to make it happen. You're somewhere between 30 and 50 years old and you're on at least one maintenance medication, maybe for heartburn, maybe for back pain. You used to be quite the athlete back in high school; these days you like to show the youngsters on the company softball team that an old man can still slide into home if necessary, though the last time you did that you pulled your groin so hard you had to sit out the rest of the season. You have at least two beautiful children, and at least one horrible fucking bitch of an ex-wife.
Your favorite fight: Couture vs. Gabriel Gonzaga
DIEGO SANCHEZ
You don’t believe in organized religion, but you do believe in some vague idealogy that you identify as “spirituality.” Basically that means you’ve gained a shallow understanding of a bunch of different religions and philosophies, but they all kind of blend together in your mind now and you think that's awesome. You are a man of few words, or possibly a woman of many, many words, which you say in an annoying cadence that you’ve practiced in front of the mirror. You may work for an outdoor outfitter of some kind, probably REI, or else you’ve held a series of different jobs with various non-profit groups. You believe in the power of crystals. You’re pretty sure that “The Secret” is the most important book of the last 500 years. You have no problem picking up an acoustic guitar and strumming it at a party, though you don’t actually know how to play.
Your favorite fight: Sanchez vs. Kenny Florian
You believe in three things: God, guns, and the USofA, not necessarily in that order. You still live in the town where you grew up and you love to get together with other former high school classmates of yours (also still living in town) and talk about how the kids coming up nowadays are all skinny jeans-wearing queers. Hard work is practically a second religion to you, and you’ve yet to encounter a social problem that couldn’t be solved by people rolling up their sleeves and/or pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. Ball-busting isn’t just a hobby of yours, it’s how you show affection to the people in your life since you are too emotionally crippled to tell them how you feel. The Bible is very important to you, and you’re one of the few people you know who has read the whole thing, even the loopy stuff about not judging people and turning the other cheek, which is all just metaphors for other stuff anyway. You drive an American truck, and you got a satellite dish with DVR just so you never have to miss Glenn Beck. You literally carry your NRA card around with you in your wallet, just in case.
Your favorite fight: Hughes vs. Georges St. Pierre I, also known as the one that really counted.
QUINTON JACKSON
Well, you haven't been watching this season of TUF — otherwise, your favorite fighter would be Rashad Evans. Nevertheless, you're a dude from California or the South who enjoys rap music and fast cars. The car you actually drive is a broken-down wreck, and you don't have insurance, but you plan on buying an Audi R8 someday, probably right after you start your record label. The quality you admire most in people is realness. You don't like stuck-up snobs, cocky loudmouths, or foul bitches. You're sad that Rampage might be retiring from MMA, but you can't hate a man for chasing paper. In grade school, you were diagnosed as having a learning disability; it's not that you can't read, exactly, it's just that anything worth learning can be found outside of books, you feel me? You may also be one of the many Asian chicks that Rampage has run through over the years, in which case you're a fun-loving girl who loves to dance, particularly on top of cars at import shows.
Your favorite fight: Jackson vs. Wanderlei Silva III
You are the kind of person who, when asked to describe yourself, claims to “love life.” You’re enthusiastic, outgoing, and you legitimately enjoy dancing rather than simply using it as a stepping-stone to sex. You like movies, but only the ones where there isn’t too much talking. You’ve had at least one bartending job in your career history. You have a very large social circle that includes a ton of friends, but none of them would know when your birthday is if they didn’t see it on Facebook. The only person you’d really say that you dislike is “Rampage” Jackson, but really, no, you don’t hate him. You just feel sad for the guy. You miss the days of soccer kicks and face stomps in MMA, and you wonder if the time will ever come when hearing “Sandstorm” doesn’t cause a nostalgic pain in your chest. You’re still good friends with all of your ex-girlfriends – even the ones who dumped you for cheating on them – and you don’t think that’s weird at all.
Your favorite fight: (tie) Silva vs. Jackson I & II
TITO ORTIZ
You're one of the three people in the above photo. Seriously. There would be no other explanation for why, in the year 2009, this marble-mouthed egomaniac is your favorite fighter. Next thing you're gonna tell us is that Heidi Montag is your favorite singer and Jon Gosselin is your favorite father. Give us a freakin' break here.
Your favorite fight: Ortiz vs. Ken Shamrock I
First of all, the reason people dislike you is not because you’re an insufferable prick. You know this. It’s because you’re a goddamn winner. Who are we kidding -- life is a contest. The person with the biggest house, the most successful businesses, and the most conventionally attractive wife is the person who’s on top, always, no matter what other (jealous) people say about him. This is part of what attracts you to MMA. In your eyes, it is a Darwinian struggle for survival. Just like in college when you bagged way more quality tail than any of the brothers in your fraternity, in life you only go for the best – and Shamrock is the best ever. Sure, he’s getting older and slowing down a little now. So are you, if we’re being honest. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t still smarter, richer, and in possession of straighter, more perfect teeth than all these ignorant young bucks eyeing your corner office every day. You most likely live in a gated community and only read books from the self-help regions of the bookstore. The one exception is Conrad Hilton’s “Be My Guest.” You have kids, and your idea of parenting is routinely explaining to them that they are better than other kids. You once talked your wife into going to a swingers party. It was okay. Every chick there wanted you so bad but had to try and act cool about it. You never tire of quoting the movie “Wall Street.”
Your favorite fight: Shamrock vs. Tito Ortiz
KIMBO SLICE
One night while cruising YouTube for 52 Blocks instructional videos, you came across Kimbo's infamous backyard fights, and your world has never been the same. I mean, this dude could knock out a full-grown elephant and had an iron chin under his beard. You didn't really start following MMA until Kimbo joined up with EliteXC a couple years back, but the sport's definitely grown on you, even if you still prefer when the fighters just throw hands. Grappling's aight, but it's basically for people who are too pussy to stand and bang. You're gainfully employed, either as a customer service specialist in a cell phone store or as a restaurant manager. You have a great appreciation for all the beautiful women who spread joy throughout the world in the form of pornography. Kimbo's "enemy/inner me" speech on TUF inspired you to quit smoking weed; you lasted four days. You get pissed off when someone mentions Sean Gannon because, let's face it, that fight was a fiasco and the rules clearly weren't established beforehand. You get pissed off when someone mentions Seth Petruzelli because fuck that pink-haired fairy.
Your favorite fight: Kimbo vs. Big Mac
SHINYA AOKI
You're a young student who's interested in fashion and music. Your parents are very strict, and they would disown you if they found out that you sometimes smoke cigarettes with your friends and that you regularly sell your underwear to Mr. Nishimura at the video store. You have great respect for the UFC, but you still feel that Japanese MMA is the strongest. You have a recurring nightmare in which this happens. You think Aoki's colorful tights are sexy, and you hope to meet him one day and spend time with him at a Love Hotel. You'd also like to meet a real African-American, just so you can tell your classmates that you did. Your name is Dave, and you live in Wisconsin.
Your favorite fight: Aoki vs. Katsuhiko Nagata (Aokiplata! Yatta!)
No comments:
Post a Comment